It’s been 2 weeks since my ectopic surgery. I have entered a phase in recovery where my body has healed and I’m no longer taking any pain relief. But I am exhausted all the time and simple tasks make me sweat, my belly button looks pretty ugly and I cry at least twice a day.
My body is healing but I know the mental strain of what happened will take a lot longer. I think for the past 2 weeks I have been in shock, my husband says I have been so brave, but I think the state of shock I have been in has kept me numb. It all happened so fast, I couldn’t keep up, but now I have caught up, and I’m deeply sad. So many thoughts run through my head. Why did this happen? Why am I part of that 1%? Can I ever trust my body again to do the right thing? What if the baby was completely healthy, just in the wrong place? What could have been? I think that question torments me the most.
Then I think further along the track when we decide if we are going to try to conceive again. What if I can’t get pregnant again? What if I can and this happens all over again? What if I do get pregnant, the egg is in the right place and I feel nervous my entire pregnancy that something is going to go wrong; what if something does go wrong? Is it worth the possible disappointment, fear and anxiety? And of course it is. Having a child you love more than you ever thought possible is worth all those things and more.
Then I feel selfish, because we already have the most beautiful little girl and we are so lucky, not everyone gets that, and I am so grateful, she is the brightest light I’ve ever known. But then I wonder if the only way I will ever be able to expel this grief is to have another baby, is that a selfish act in itself?
This post is fairly depressing but I have decided to write exactly how I feel, its cathartic and gets my feelings out and stops me from thinking the same things over and over, which is truly unhelpful. I know one day things will feel normal again, but for now they are not, and I’m not, and I’m not ok, and that’s ok.
